Balance is something I always had a problem with. Although I prided myself with being fairly organized and having an understanding of systems in place, for me those two things meant having control. Control, for me, was a way to prevent chaos and I needed it to function and to think clearly.
One of my main fears in life is not having a control on things.
Control for me means power, self-discipline, for me to not easily be swayed or become gullible. It means I can function in a way where I not only have a handle on life and my decisions but within the limitations I set for myself.
By having control, I allow myself to be free of or limit significantly the attacks of anxiety, doubt or fear…it ultimately makes it easier to make a calculated decision that will reassure me as long as I have control over the situation, than everything will work out just as planned. I can mentally prepare myself for involuntary or unforeseen mishaps or mistakes, that I know of. Some of you may be reading this and identify with my sentiments, agree with them to some extent, or can already spot some problem areas in my frame of thinking.
However, as good or protective as all of these mechanisms sound, for some reason, I still had a problem with balancing and control. There may be many factors to why it is still a struggle. There can be times where I procrastinate, there can be times I overthink certain situations, lacking trust or am fearful of success.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m limiting myself to grow even beyond my imagination or even truly experience balance due to having too much control?
Am I not trusting of myself enough or God?
Am I really putting forth an effort to balance or am I just OK with being in a struggle because it has now become normal or a part of my identity, am I OK with just complaining about it?
I realize that having control to achieve balance was a way for me not to get hurt, not to fail, not to feel pain, not to have to cry or feel depression, anxiety. But all these prevention, I see that I still experience it no matter how much control I have or limitations i set in place.
I was recently listening to a few sermons, one in particular “the secret to elevation” by Bishop TD Jakes. He said a few things and one oin more particular about being afraid of success. I am good at preventing,I like prevention, it’s smart to prevent and already see a way out of stuff before i get hurt. But deep down in this new territory that I am in, I was, may still am, more comfortable in the valley of struggle and comfort then a new terrain of success just because I don’t knwo what it looks like, I do not know how to prepare for it, it is unfamiliar territory for me. I can cheer someone on and love to be in the background but I can’t possibly see myself beyond what I set for myself.
BUT THANK GOD, that I SERVE A GOD who see’s beyond who I am and my potential, who sets eternity in my heart, who has a hope and a successful future for me, a plan to prosper and not of evil or to hurt me.
I Thank God, I serve a God of perfection even when I am not perfect, I serve a God who is always in control and rightfully so because he is the architect of the world and everyone’s lives. I serve a God who I can trust because He knows the very number of hairs on my head, who is jealous of me, who loves me even before I was in my mothers womb, who considers me smart and beautiful and successful even when I’ve given up or try to talk myself out of great opportunities. Who continues to have a plan for me even when I delay all of the signs for me to move forward. Who still calls me more than a conqueror, even when all I see is defeat and all I feel are wounds.
After all of this talk of balance and control, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have been limiting myself of the opportunities, of success, of financial breakthroughs and of going beyond the potential I know myself to posses. I’ve been limiting God, I’ve been trying to appease others, taking time away from myself, allowing myself to settle, not being still or confident in the word of God. I’ve been teetering trusting God, I’ve been fighting Him and denying the abilities and the talents He’s placed in me, trying to grow and build in me. I am afraid of failure because of how hard I am on myself but most importantly I am afraid of what I can become and if I indeed can handle and be the same person I was in the valley on the mountain top. God is building me and somethings will have to shed, I can’t balance what He is trying to take away. I can’t have control on what He’s trying to remove from me.
Trusting him in a new territory when all you’ve known are walls and no success can be very scary. You question if He is sure that He chose the right person. You even think that it probably won’t last long, you have an expiration date in your mind already, just so you can protect yourself, have control on the level of heart break….
But beloved like in Ecclesiastes 3: 1-13, it states:
“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
2 A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.
4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
5 A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
6 A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.
8 A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.
9 What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils? 10 I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves. 11 He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and to do good in one’s lifetime; 13 moreover, that every man who eats and drinks sees good in all his labor, it is the gift of God.
There is an appointed time FOR EVERYTHING, but what gets me soo excited is that in the end, it will all works out for our good which = Success. So why be afraid of success right, if that is our ultimate end, SUCCESS!!! Matthew 24:35 (NIV) Heaven and earth can pass away but his word will not pass away = SUCCESS. What dies, what closes, what hurts, what breaks, what we sacrifice it will all work out for our good, for those that are in Christ Jesus. This joy you have, which is your strength the world can’t take it away. This is SUCCESS!!! The word that is in us, the Gates of Hades won’t ever prevail. THIS IS SUCCESS. The enemy can try to steal, kill and destroy, but he will never prevail if we cry out the name Jesus. THIS IS SUCCESS. Romans 8:26-28 (MSG), “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good”. But I get it, who wants to get hurt, I just want to bypass all of that, don’t be afraid of the pain. Make the choice this day and choose Jesus every time, choose Success. If you think of Jesus as Success then you won’t ever be afraid of it again!!!!
By: Marie, Calling All Founder